How to be a lying ninja!

Yet another sexy little text file brought to you by Rusty and The Italic
Squirrels. Written by Suid Lizard and Rhesus Monkey, edited by Captain Ross.

This text file was written for entertainment purposes only. Just because
somebody reads this text does not mean that they should try anything in it. This
file does not, nor does it's authors, advocate the telling of lies, or anything
like that. Even though you shouldn't try this, but you do anyway, it isn't our
fault if you get busted. Maybe it was YOUR mistake that got you screwed. Maybe
the simple facts of your lie screwed you up, maybe you're just an idiot, maybe
this whole text file is a load of bullshit. You just don't know, so don't try
this until you've done some research in this sort of thing. Don't do drugs.
Don't break the law. Don't wear dead elephants as hats. Don't do anything you
wouldn't want your grandmother to do. Don't do anything.

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By reading further into this text you certify that you are not a law enforcement
officer, an employee of the federal government, or an acquaintance of an
employee of the federal government, or even an acquaintance of an acquaintance
of an employee of the federal government. You certify that you are not Suid
Lizard or Captain Ross's mom, or anyone else's mom. You certify that you are not
under 18 years of age. You certify that you are not over 18 years of age. You
certify that you are not 18 years of age. If any or all of the above statements
does not apply to you, then do not read further into this file, delete it if it
happens to be on your hard or floppy disks, and leave whatever site or BBS or
whatever it is you downloaded it from.

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Well, now that I've excluded about 99.9% of the population, all that should be
left are super intelligent cyborgs from the future, spider monkeys, and contract
violators who have let go of all their rights concerning this file.

So you wanna learn to lie, eh? Well, before you can learn that you have to learn
to spot a liar, which is easier than you think. Certain behaviors, things you
don't mean to do, give away liars. These can be movements, or biological
signals. Mainly, I'm gonna deal with the physical gestures and such, things that
you don't have to be hooked up to a machine to detect.

Liars, especially when caught off guard, don't have real memories to refer to,
and have to rely on their imaginations to fall back on. Without actual
experience dictating the story, it becomes almost impossible to keep track of
all the details that may be said. That's why in an interrogation a detective (or
whoever) will ask the same questions again and again, in hopes of finding a slip
up. They may ask about details, things like "what color was her shirt?" in hopes
that the suspect's story won't be consistent. The specifics of a story may be
vague when it is first told, which is a fairly reliable indicator of the truth.

So what can a liar do to avoid these pitfalls? Simply use real memories as a
reference. If you say you were meeting some friends, then think of a past
occasion when you met with friends. Now, when your asked the color of her shirt,
it will be white (or whatever) every time, because that's what you remember it
as being.

Another problem is witnesses. A liar may try to get his story straight with all
of the people present, but that's bound to fail. Say you went Somehood (mystery
city) last night, to go meet some chicks at the deli and get laid. Only trouble
is, your grounded that week. Your mom asks you where you went! Quick, what do
you say? The secret is to make as little of your story a lie as possible. Tell
her that you were at the deli in Somehood, studying with Jacob (or whoever was
there). Now, if your mom calls your friends and questions them, your story might
just fly, as long as the part about getting laid doesn't come up ;).

But it isn't just your story that gives you away. It might also be you. The way
you hold yourself, the way you speak, the way you move, they all hold clues as
to how honest you are. Luckily, if you know what's what, you can avoid making
such tell-tale mistakes.

See, when you lie, even if your a comfortable liar, you get a little nervous (or
a lot). And when your nervous, you brain makes a little adrenaline, which
basically screws you over. Ever notice how when you lie, your face gets a little
itchy? You feel a tick here and there? Yep, that's adrenaline, pal. Do you ever
get a little fidgety, wanting to keep your hands busy? Adrenaline, baby. Your
mouth feels dry, you breathe more deeply, you can't relax your body? adrenaline,
adrenaline, adrenaline! So what can you do about this wondrous chemical? Nothing
really, my friend, just ignore it. When your face feels itchy, don't scratch.
Breathe shallow as usual, don't swallow too much, and if your nervous, slouch as
best you can and put your arms somewhere comfortable and leave them there.

Body language, something we learn early in life, can also give you away. When
people lie or bull shit in some other way, they have a tendency to cover their
mouth, like they don't really believe what they say. When your a little kid it's
very obvious, but as we grow older it becomes more and more subtle. You may
touch your nose, your cheek, or your mouth. Talk to someone in a casual sort of
way, so that they won't feel the need to lie. Are they covering their mouth in
any way? Of course not! If you know what to look for this gesture can be very
obvious.

It's been said that the eyes are the window to the soul. This little diddly is
truer than you know, because you can learn a lot from what a fellow's eyes are
doing. For instance, where a person glances around while talking, it often
indicates what part of his brain he's using. These directions vary from person
to person, but they are almost always there. There are sections for audio,
visual, olfactory (smell), tactile (touch), and taste. There are also directions
for calling on two types of reasoning (left and right side) and one for
IMAGINATION. this is the one we're concerned with. When you have to come up with
a story, what do you have to do? you have to imagine it, dumbass! For most
people, they look up and to the left when they call on their imagination, and
since they've been doing it for as long as they've been making shit up, they've
getten into the habit. When you lie, try to look pretty much straight forward,
glancing down naturally and occasionally.

Also, maintain eye contact. Have you ever heard "look me in the eye?" well
that's what they're talking about. Try not to maintain eye contact freakishly
long, because this is unnatural and suspicious looking.

When you lie, you have to make up a story, and hence your brain might need a
second to think. We subconsciously try to hide this, but nobody is ever fooled.
Here's an example.

Mom:"Jimmy, have you been masturbating on the roof again?"
Jimmy:"Masturbating? Of course not, mom!"

Do you know what Jimmy has done wrong? He repeated the beginning of the
question. That's like saying "um. . .", only your brain thinks it's slick for
hiding it. When you get asked a question, the answer should come like *boom*, in
just a second.

Mom:"Jimmy, have you been giving the dog blow jobs again?"
Jimmy:"Eew, mom, no way! I could get diseases like that!"

Do you know what Jimmy did wrong this time? True, he did answer right off, but
he spent too much time answering. It sounds like he's trying to convince himself
and his mom, doesn't it? Answer immediately and keep it short. This one's a
little more subtle, and most people won't pick up on it, but better safe.

Well, that's all the things you can control, but what about the things you
can't? Remember our little discussion about adrenaline? Well, here's a little
more. Adrenaline increases your body temperature, your heartrate, your blood
pressure, and your breathing rate. These are the signals that those fancy
machines keep track of, and they're very hard to control. (by the way. As of
1999 polygraphs aren't admissible in court, so don't sweat them too much.)
Either you must be incredibly disciplined and control your body completely, or
you must believe that you are being truthful. My uncle was in Vietnam, and it
was a very hard experience. When he got home, due to all the controversy
surrounding the war, nobody wanted to talk to him. He spent so much time keeping
it to himself, not thinking about it, and denying it that he actually came to
believe for a short while that he was never in the war. Apparently this is not
that uncommon. Thing is, if he was given a polygraph test at that time, and
asked if he was in the war he could have said no and passed it. While we can't
always recreate this sort of trauma at home, we can at least come close. So, if
you steal the hope diamond from a museum, don't tell your friends, don't tell
your family, and don't tell yourself what happened. If you push it back far
enough it'll all disappear. Try it with that 2.14 GPA you got last semester, and
see how it works.


That's all for now. Thanks for your time -- *Suid Lizard*

That's it. If you wanna mail Suid, it's suid_lizard@yahoo.com

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