OYS #5

Stats: 39yo, 5'6", 150lbs, BF 16.2%. LTR is 40yo. Daughter is 5. Step-daughter is 16.

Lifts

SQ 6x5 175, BP 5x5 145, BR 5x7 110.

Dumbbell Chest Press 90 x 15, One Arm Rows 45 x 15, Squats with bicep curls 30 x 12, Tricep extension 45 x 12, Forearm Curls 20 x 12, Ab routine.

There has been once or twice this week that she has out of nowhere grabbed and squeezed my bicep. So that's nice.

Read

MMSL, BOP, NMMNG, MAP, SGM, SLSM, Bang

Reading

WISNIFG (stalled on this one, need to finish it), The Unchained Man

2nd Anger Phase

Yep, definitely still in this. Finding it hard to stay in the "I'm having fun" frame while being angry under the surface. I'm owning my shit-- doing what needs to be done in the house, taking the kids to and from school most of the times, leading the family in outings, all while working out as much as possible and playing soccer on the weekends. I'm feeling exhausted more-- have been going to bed early to get more sleep but at the expense of having my own creative time at night. I need to balance that and give myself time to work on my own projects.

I am definitely feeling frustrated most of the time now-- I am not sure the best way to balance the anger and the instinct to freeze her out with the kino/having fun/gaming mindset.

Kids

I haven't posted about my kids as much, but am realizing that it's a part of OYS. My LTR has a 16 year old daughter from a previous marriage, but she lives with us full time now. I realized that I kept myself in limbo about taking responsibility for her. So many decisions about her I left to my LTR and I'm starting to take on that responsibility. She is behind on knowing how to handle herself in the world and I'm going to be the one to push her to handle more and more responsibility.

Relationship and Frame

I am seeing more and more how I have failed to maintain a leadership role in the past. It's a subtle thing, but there's a big difference between my past mindset of "go with the flow" (which has a subtext of looking to her for direction) and my new mindset, which is "what would I do if she wasn't there". I am a bit directionally challeneged, and rely on GPS way too much, so I am making sure I more often take a mental note of where I am, what direction I parked, what the general directions are when driving, etc.

I took her on a date this week-- I wouldn't tell her what it was ahead of time-- and on our way there she said it gave her anxiety not knowing where we were going. She did end up guessing it on the way there though, which seemed to relax her a bit. It was overall lackluster in vibe though.

She has been doing a dry January though in an attempt to get her abuse of alcohol under control. I don't have an issue with her drinking somewhat, but I do have an issue with her change in personality that comes from drinking too much. So during our date we drank a couple drinks and didn't take it too far.

I tried to up the flirtation but didn't calibrate quite right and went too far too fast and was shot down. Killed the vibe and we just went home and went to sleep.

We went to one of her coworker's parties, and I think I did a pretty good job right off the bat with being social with everybody there and not just sticking by her side. I lost energy though by the end of the night, and ended up wanting to leave before she did. She was drinking that night too and I could tell that her personality was starting to shift towards her drunk side. She didn't seem to read the room when 90% of the people there got up to leave and that the party was ending. I was hinting at first that I thought it was time to leave, but she didn't comply, so eventually I stood up, said goodbye to the couple remaining people, put my coat on, and said "I'm leaving... are you coming with me?". She did end up coming. We talked about it the next day-- and that I wasn't going to be the one to police her on her alcohol use, but that she needed to know her limits.

Next day she fell while trying to carry our dog and bruised some ribs. Awesome. I'm holding off on initiating for a few days as she recovers. Has been about a month and a half since we last had sex. Trying not to keep a scoreboard but damn.

Social/Game

I've been ramping up dread slowly-- Have been going out with friends or going out alone a few times a week. It has been great for my mood, but I don't think has necesarily been upping the dread level enough.

Hanging out at a bar with friends, I got into a good social mood and chatted up some women there. Even got cornered by an unattractive woman at the bar for a bit. Started getting a good amount of attention from a friend's new girlfriend. Was good overall mood boost-- I need to keep that going when I go out alone.

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